an update on my scare with breast cancer + a winner

if you've been around at all during the past year, you may know of my breast cancer scare.
over the past 11 months i have had 4 mammograms, 2 biopsies, 1 surgery & lots of doctor appointments. and in the end, it wasn't even breast cancer.

in late august i had the 2 masses removed. 1 because it was...well, pre-cancerous. and the other was just large. while it was the first time i'd undergone surgery {besides the c-section with the twins}, it all went well. and in the end, the masses were still benign. thank you Jesus!

and while i'm cancer free...
my heart goes out to those who have to endure so much more.
chemo. sickness. shaved heads. wigs. fear. shots. lots of doctors. multiple surgeries. headaches.

at this moment in life, i know 3 women that are fighting with all they have to beat this ugly disease. y'all, 3 women that are directly connected to me...connected so that i can help carry that burden for them. and that burden is heavy. {even though it was only a day, i know it's weight!} and the only way i made it through was on the powerful prayer of others. i pray that their hearts are filled with peace & grace. that they feel & see that God has a larger story in play. and that He might be glorified in & through them.

today as a part of SheReadsTruth {an online devotional community}, we started the book of Phillipians. and it starts with a bang! Paul being held prisoner & yet pouring his heart out to encourage others. that's just powerful. if Paul can love despite his chains {both physically & spiritually} we can too. but here's the kicker, in verse 9 it says that we can love well despite our chains, but we can love MUCH if we have a kingdom focus instead of a self focus. so let love flourish by taking your eyes off your circumstances & focus on God's bigger story!

WINNER OF THE STELLA & DOT ODYSSEY RING...

JEN CHAPPELL...
who commented on my instagram feed due to technical difficulties here,

earrings are her favorite go to piece of jewelry. 

congrats jen! 
you have 24hrs to contact me with your address so i can send you your new ring!

trailblazing adventures

after going through several personal trials during high school/ college, i realized that the way the Lord wanted to use me was as an trailblazer, an encouragement to those who followed the path behind me. and i wanted all the personal pain i suffered to not be for nothing...i wanted to help & share my experiences so that others didn't have to go through life alone. i asked the Lord to bring people into my life that were about to walk down the same road that i had just been down. i wanted to be able to encourage them in the Lord, be a testimony of God's faithfulness & promises that He never leaves us. and i have. i have always had someone to share with directly after i've walked through the dark, shadowy valley of death. and in the particular instance of my health/ cancer scare last month, i literally was walking in the valley of death. and while i do not feel like i've cleared it or escaped it, i have been on a hill basking in the life-giving sunshine. what i didn't expect was someone to have someone follow me down that path & into that same valley so quickly. 

"But after I am raised up, I, your Shepherd, will go ahead of you..."

matthew 26:32 

 

the end of 2011 was full of crazy health issues in our family. first {matt} got crazy sick, the boys all got nasty sick, then there's me. and well, then came {grammie} my mom...

she finally decided to go to the doctor to figure out why she was experiencing shortness of breath...while just sitting sometimes. they ran a slue of tests, including CT & PET scans. the tests turned up empty on answers for the shortness of breath, so they called it asthma. but they did find something on her scans...spots, masses, lisions, call em what ya want but in the end they are things that should not be there! a few spots on her lung and even one on the kidney. my entire family was caught completely off guard. for 1 thing, she never smoked regularly...or even at all. and 2, she can't drink a glass of anything sort of alcohol without getting giddy-she's a lightweight-so a closet alcoholic she is not. and 3...i was the one who had just been told & untold i had cancer.

long story short, they are indeed calling these spots cancer. mainly because non-cancerous masses would not take the dye for the PET or CT scan like these did. she underwent surgery last week to remove the spots on her lung. all went according to plan. although they did find a few smaller spots, once they got in there, that did not show up on the scans. that meant a longer incision, a longer surgery time, a longer recovery time. the doctor said it was all stage 1 cancer and they got it all....meaning no need/talk of follow-up radiation therapy. she did lose 20% of her lung capacity. which means keeping up with my boys will be a little harder, but the snuggles from them will be even sweeter.  

as for the kidney spots, the plan is to get those taken out in march or april. but i think that will depend on how she recovers from this surgery. so prayers & thoughts of a speedy recovery and fullness of health are more than appreciated...they are coveted!

i'm never sure why i walk through trials before someone else does, i just know that is how the Lord uses me. and i don't think i'll ever figure out his schedule...especially with this scenario. but whatever buffer or encouragement i was able to serve for my mom, i'd do it again in a heart beat. but this time there's a sweetness of knowing i get to do this adventure along side my mom. 

all that being said, i'm off to visit a doctor here. turns out i didn't end up being able to get the MRI biopsy done the day we left virginia. that was a blessing in disguise! {matt}s grandmother recommended a great local breast specialist. so we'll head off to see her today. i will try to update things here on the blog when we hear anything. i know that people are checking in on me via this sweet place of mine here on the interwebs. 

so please, come on back for info. or comment with questions for me or about my mom. and if you're incredibly shocked at this cause i haven't told many people at all, then shoot me an email: kristiruckel [at] gmail [dot] com. so thankful for this community i've found here!

a frightening & adventurous emotional roller coaster

ok i'm so glad i got my christmas card done early because if i had waited, it just would not have gotten done this week. anyone else have one of those unexpectedly over busy weeks?! phew! i'm tired...physically, emotional, spiritually...just. plain. tired.

so remember that post about a month ago where i talked about the lump i found in my breast & the follow-up to come...this is that follow up. theres lots of details that i'm trying to sort through it all & give you a good concise story without this post being a 10 minute read. bare with me. and if you have any questions, please leave a comment & i'll answer them that way.

as i sat in the waiting room to get my mammogram i read this verse:

do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. i teel you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. be faithful, even to the point of death, and i will give you life as your victor's crown. rev. 2:10

that's one of those verses that kinda just makes you prepare i think.


3 weeks ago yesterday i went in for a consult with a surgeon about the results of my mammogram. yes, my first mammogram at 28 years old. not exactly what i pictured my future health care containing. and of course the results showed what they already knew...1 cyst, 1 mass.

so the surgeon had me scheduled for an ultrasound guided biopsy...STAT! he is well aware that we are in the midst of moving...out of state no less. and yes, he actually said STAT. and even though i realize that doctors actually say it, {matt} & i tried not to laugh. you'd think we'd be use to the lingo by now. guess not! and we did got in for a biopsy the next week.

i went in for the biopsy on a wednesday & they did their thing. aspirated the cyst again & get a biopsy of the mass on the other side. and all was going accordingly until the cyst wouldn't fully disappear. so they decided to get a biopsy of what was left. i was told the earliest i could expect results was 48 hours but probably get them on monday because of it being the weekend.

the next morning as i was getting ready to go see the train exhibit downtown i got a call from the doctor's office asking me to come in that afternoon to discuss the results of the biopsy...and make sure that {matt} was with me. those last words made my stomach to jump into my throat leaving a lump i couldn't swallow. i was preparing for the worst. but still headed out to see the trains that morning in an attempt to distract myself.

and then the doc brought the hammer. it was the "best bad news" i could get. there were abnormal cells on the wall of cyst that they meaning the 4 pathologists that looked at it were calling cancerous. yep...the ugly, scary C word. of course we were shocked. sitting in that little office both of us having out of body type experiences while trying to get a grip on the bomb the doc just dropped. we asked questions. we tried to soak in answers. and we started praying & calling family. ok, so {matt} started calling family. i couldn't barely breathe trying to hold back tears while in the doctor's office...let alone explain the situation to someone else. we went to dinner after instead of going home because i wasn't sure i was ready to see my boys & be able to keep it together.

so we sat & talked. processed. trusted that the Lord was up to something good & crazy. realized that our human understanding just wouldn't ever be great enough to grasp this. said the words out loud a few times. feeling the heavy burden of the word cancer & choosing to let my Savior carry it for me. and i left feeling safe & at peace with whatever were to happen. 

the next procedure i was to get done was an MRI...again, STAT.  that way i could take those films with me to florida if need be and there would be a better  idea of what they were dealing with & also to see if there were abnormal cells anywhere else.

friday morning i was rushing around trying to get {ben} ready for preschool & the little boys breakfast before i needed to leave for my MRI. then i got another call from my doc. i assumed he was checking in to see how i was doing. instead, i got the best news...a new diagnosis. the final stain/ test on my biopsy had to sit overnight and they just got those results in. it wasn't cancer...just abnormal cells that they are calling pre-cancerous. meaning that if there were more of the abnormal cells, they would call it cancer, but now it's just not. are you kidding me?! i was so shocked i couldn't even process fully what he had said. plus, i still had to get my MRI.

the big question of was it God at work or just too early of a diagnosis on the behalf of the doctors...i couldn't tell you. but in the end, God still gets the glory! don't worry, that's not the end of my testimony because it's not the end of my story.

the process of the MRI on that friday was a little intimidating. i tend to get claustrophobic. my big experiences are x-rays and a c-section. i closed my eyes and used the time to pray & sing songs. cheesy i know but i had to do something to help the sound of the MRI not be quite so loud. the results of that wouldn't come back til monday.

in the mean time we scheduled an lumpectomy to the remains of the cyst and the mass because of it's size even though it was benign. that surgery was suppose to be today. i should be at pre-op right now. instead the MRI results that came back late monday...and then received yesterday morning were again, abnormal. the MRI detected 2 more masses deep within the breast, 1 on each side. before they do surgery they need to do an MRI guided biopsy...since they are only detectable by MRI. and the STAT order on that procedure isn't as quick of a turn around as previous experiences. the earliest they could get me in is the 20th.

and i've been meditating & mulling over & over these verses for months now. and they rock me every.single. time! i mean for real people...i grit my teeth daily just trying to make it through on my own strength. but that glory-strength sounds awesome! gimme some of that any day.

we pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul-not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. it is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
col. 1:11-12 (the message)

in case you were wondering when exactly we are hitting the road & heading south...it's december 20th. so the fact that the procedure can't be done until then & our doctor is done for the year on the 23rd just answered a lot of our logistical questions. i will get the biopsy done early that morning. we'll close on the condo that afternoon. pick up {auntie kate} after she gets off work & then take this party to florida. and hope that we can enjoy christmas & continue to celebrate the goodness & faithfulness of God.

now whether we finish procedures here or in florida are still up in the air. and so is insurance stuff. but i trust that God is taking this situation & turning it around for good. and if you wonder how i could, just take a quick look back at the things He has already done for us this year & you'll understand why. health, houses sold, new job! i've tangibly seen the power of God working in my life!

a friend sent me this little excerpt from her devotional last week & i think it explains beautifully right where i'm at & want to be because, afterall, it's about bringing Him the glory!

do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path i have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles & you will! ~Jesus Calling 

by naptimediaries for purchase here

an annual adventure with a twist

so we've had some health issues around here lately. it's been a little ridiculous. and frankly i'm over it. but what's our life without a few extra adventures right?! geez!

so i went to my obgyn for my annual appointment. if that sentence made you uncomfortable, stop reading now. or it will only continue to get more uncomfortable for you. this is the first time that i've been in for an annual and NOT been pregnant. it felt strange. but it was nice to not have a pint of blood drawn.

i did the usual routine & let the nurse get her stats...all were fine. questions, side effects or concerns about my IUD...nope. any other concerns...

yes, well actually, there is this...this lump in my right breast.

**crickets**

it has been there since after i had {ben}.  i asked my former OB i changed practices with my pregnancy with {gabe} about it at an appointment after having {ben}. i was told it was probably just a blocked milk duct because i was breastfeeding and not to worry, it should soon go away. i nodded and went on my way.

well it didn't go away. in fact it got bigger. but lets be real here...since that appointment i've been pregnant or breastfeeding. i was putting my body through the ringer and in the end i wasn't sure what kind of condition my breasts would be in. smaller, sure. but having a lump that had grown, yeah not so much.

after my sweet doctor did a breast exam on me, she too agreed that we needed to do something about it...and oh yeah, there's another smaller spot on the other breast. just great. but she got some lidocaine and a 18 gauge needle to check the fluid and drain it if possible. well turns out, it was totally drainable 10cc worth, that's a lot! of nasty cystic fluid and no blood. the doc said she was looking for blood and if there had been then we would need to do a biopsy. so that was unexpectedly easy. and the cyst is no longer. i will go in for a mammogram & ultrasound in the next few weeks to make sure there isn't anything underlying that we missed and to get a better look at the smaller cyst. and then follow up with a surgeon in case there might be need to take action with anything. i'll update again once i've had those appointments.

all and all i'm glad with the news i received today.  like my momma said "better knowing and being able to face it than not knowing and being fearful and turning it into something bigger than it is." good words momma. also i read this while in the waiting room at the doctor's office..."for God is greater than our worried hearts for He knows more about us than we do ourselves." 1 john 3:20 amen!
__________________________________________

• so this story is a giving of thanks & praise all in one. thank ya Jesus! Hallelujah! 
• plus i'm super thankful for the support of my family...the encouragement they supplied along with the worries i know they wouldn't tell me about because i told them not to. 
• also thankful that i can now sleep on my stomach again and not feel it. 

an adventurous journey of fear to peace

there are those times in life when our first response to a situation is fear. our minds go straight for the good stuff...total fear & abandonment. anxiety. stress.
and lots ok, most times it has to do with health or strength of our bodies.

well, we had one of those run-ins this weekend.

as a mother of boys and only boys, i gave way early to the fact that there would eventually be trips to the ER or urgent care clinic because of some hopefully just sports accident. and after the scare with the twins heart issues and the good news a year later, i pictured myself visiting pediatric cardiologists frequently. i thought mentally i had gotten at least a loosened grip on the whole doctor thing. and well maybe i had if it had been my boys. instead, the visit was for my husband.

he had just been to get some antibiotics from the same urgent care clinic 2 days prior because the family practice couldn't fit him in. and then it started with a wicked headache the middle of the night friday. like woke him up outta his sleep never had this kinda headache. i got him some tylenol and said if it was still that bad come morning he should go back to see the doc. and yes, i sent him by himself. he had a headache and dragging along the tribe wouldn't have made anyone happy.

then things just got weird. the kinda weird where life becomes surreal and you're sure time has stopped but then you look down and realize your kids are still running circles around you. yeah... and things went like this:
{matt} went in for a headache.
got shot for headache.
passed out.
laid down with feet up.
tried to sit up & almost passed out again.
got another shot.
doctor calls me to come pick him up.
takes a few hours & 1 bag of IV fluids to bring his blood pressure up.
doc gave some lame explanation that i didn't completely buy. it was the cold front that came through...
then we went home.

my body was functioning out of habit. routine maybe. but my mind was off wandering some place else. some place dark and full of the worse case scenarios. there is a history of aneurisms in {matt}s family. just thinking about the chance of him just slipping away unannounced. ugh! yeah i went there.  it's terrible i know.

but as my body was sitting beside like a good wife should,
and my mind wandering off into the unthinkable, undesirable places,
my heart was crying out for peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding.
and there's only one place to find it.
in His Word.
no i wasn't thinking or acting clearly enough to have packed my bible, but that's why i got my iphone right?!

i just started reading. reading my daily scripture that i hadn't had time to do yet that morning.

2 corinthians 4

i was actually a day behind in my reading the Lord is always so timely like that and this is what i got to read about:

we are pressed on every side...but we are NOT crushed...check!

we are perplexed...but NOT driven to despair...check! check!

we are hunted...but NEVER abandoned....CHECK!

we get knocked down...but NEVER destroyed...amen! amen!

that's just the sorta peace i was searching for. He totally didn't let me down! because in that moment, i felt like i was all of those things...pressed on every side, perplexed, hunted & being knocked down. and then it struck me. that's exactly how predators kill their prey. and i was so determined to NOT let this be a killing expedition for my enemy. 


now, i would like to say that i stayed far from the despair the rest of the night, but i did have to remind myself of the peace i had found. but that's part of the goodness of the bible. when you burn such a great thing into your heart, that's what comes out in times of distress. i just kept it on repeat as i waited for {matt} to wake up from his super long nap thanks to some of the drugs they gave him. 


when he woke up about dinner time he was doing better just exhausted. his body had been pumped with drugs and adrenaline for most of the day. we took sunday off and stayed home to rest...cause it was a long day for this momma too. 


although it may have started off a little more than rough...it ended in peace. one that surpasses all understanding. and i'm still finding myself there today.

click here & go read some other stories encouragement!!

bedtime adventures with the horse

i'm not sure if it's the pre-preschool jitters or what, but bedtime tonight was...long. {ben} has quite the imagination on him. there's always a new and creative delay tactic. but tonight's truly tugged at my heart. i just wanted to crawl into bed and hold him. tell him it's ok and convince him that...well...everything is perfectly fine.

you see he started crying after i said his prayers & sang his lullaby song. it's normal. i didn't think anything of it until he said something about the horse. i hate this horse. it was a frequent dream visitor for several months last year. and finally, it was gone and we haven't heard anything about...until tonight. my poor buddy is truly terrified of this dumb horse. it's not horses in general, just this one that comes into his room at  night.

i shudder at the fear that i know runs through his tiny body. i remember laying stiff as a board and barely able to breathe, let alone, cry out to my momma when awoken from a bad dream. to this day i remember the reoccurring nightmare i had during childhood. my best friend and i can now joke with each other about the absurd characters that they were. but in the moment, in the depth of that dream, there is nothing more terrifying.

after i finally got him tucked into bed, i walked into the living room and cried. cried for him. cried out to God for him. for peace. for rest. for the strength and courage it requires to fight off those bad thoughts. i know his little 4 year old brain doesn't fully grasp that Jesus is with him or that angels are surrounding him and ready for battle, but i tell him that every night. until he knows or understands how, i will stand in that gap for him. encouraging him. pushing him. and scaring off & fighting the horse.

he asks if Jesus will poke him in the eyes. i say yes. he asks if the Angels will kick his legs down. again, i say yes. he knows how to fight. his daddy taught him that. oh my gentle {ben}, what a tenacious spirit you have!

and ever since the bedtime routine began at 7...i've had my favorite lullaby cd playing. it calms the house, my heart & the boys. it's called hidden in my heart scripture lullabies. praying we all sleep sweetly tonight.

adventures hiding from hurricane irene

i'm sure most are wondering...
"how exactly do you survive a hurricane with 4 under 4?!"

the answer is...YOU DON'T!

because we currently do not own a home and are staying with the ever so gracious {auntie kate}, there wasn't a need to stay and keep an eye on things. aaaaanndd remember, {auntie kate} lives in a 3rd floor condo just a block from the beach. therefore that puts us in flood zone 1. which means, if power goes out it'll take longer to be restored if there is still flooding. and i've already done the whole no power with kids thing. read that story here. and doing that again & for longer, no thanks! so we peaced out!

for {aunt kristin}'s house in the southern carolina.

it's currently gorgeous weather here thanks to irene.

which is awesome since there are currently 9 children 9 & under. 8 cousins & a friend.

so we need there to be outside play time.

a few pictures of our hiding adventures thus far...

{matthew owen}, {matthew stephen} & {matthew campbell}

{sam} & {noah}

let's play a game!

can you find all the kiddos?

{sam} & {matty} loved the wagon

these boys turned that water brown.

the great part of twins. 

twice the snuggles!

with this beautiful weather, i woke up this morning and was filled with nostalgia. it's the kind of weather that reminded me of all those early saturday mornings that i would get up and head to the soccer fields. it even almost smelled like fall.

i was already getting the fall weather bug, but now i think irene is making it worse! anyone else ready for fall?!

broken adventures can find fulfillment & promise

i'm having my mom do a guest post today. 
i've been a little busy with house stuff...and it's also a day in our family we like to remember. 
my brother's birthday. yes, i said brother.
many of you know i have 2 sisters but few may know my mom had a son before me 
& yesterday was his 32nd birthday. 

*********************************************************************************

BIRTHDAY ANNIVERSARY

mom & josh

July 28 came and went uneventfully—again. It’s by and large a heart thing now, 32 years later, but never missed. Joshua David Cook had a short and generally uneventful life also. His day of birth was highly celebrated being the only “Cook boy” who was to carry on the name. But we put a lot of expectations on our children and pin a lot of our hopes there that are sometimes difficult for them to hold up. It’s also difficult and disappointing when the expectations can’t be met.

One of our hopes was that we were finished having children and our “nuclear” family was now complete. That was dashed on the rocks of God’s plan for us and we were left without knowing the purpose of Josh’s short life. Although he was a joy and greatly loved by all who knew him.

So, not wanting Kelli to be an only child, we tried to conceive again. For four long years, month-to-month, we waited on God to fulfill His plan for us. When Kristi finally arrived, it seemed ages since we began but realized later that the timing was perfect. Kaitlyn came along too and we now have three beautiful girls that have great fun with each other as adults.

An added perk is the privilege of experiencing grandchildren. We have 4 wonderful grandsons (at this time) who are a joy to all around them. Ben at 4 is curious and wanting to know the “why” of everything. Gabe is 2 and learning how to relate to a big brother and 2 younger ones. He is the “middle child” and never gets all the attention he wants. Sam and Matthew are 1—already!—and toddling around making mischief.

Where would these individuals be if Josh had lived? I’m not sure I can answer that. It’s a deeply spiritual question. What I know is this: they are part of our lives now and God worked many miracles to bring it about. Our existence on this Earth is not always what we want it to be—thankfully! We know so little and think we know so much. I’m thankful for it all. How can I be less? The heartache is redeemed in joy and our Heavenly Father loves us and the Holy Spirit stands by us through it all.

I’ve grown older and matured spiritually through the reality of loss over the 32 years. But there’s still a little part of my heart that remembers the first and last smile, that regrets not seeing a son’s maturing life, that anticipates a reunion in Heaven. Until then I’ll enjoy my grandchildren—present and future—who are my delight in life. God is good!

JOSHUA DAVID COOK   JULY 28, 1979 – OCTOBER 18, 1979

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back info: {joshua} died of SIDS at 10.5 weeks.

my mom is pretty remarkable and a huge part of her 

testimony is found in her pregnancies 

and births of her 4 children. 

because of her, 

i was able to find strength and fight for the twins. 

please be encouraged by her testimony today...

God is good & sovereign !

He has all the details & we just need to trust in that. 

remembering the adventures of last june

all i have been able to think about this week was the ultrasound and doctor's visit that started it all...it was this week last year. if you need a refresher course read this & this.

i remember saying "this time next year will be so much better". and i can truthfully say that it is! i have 2 healthy little munchkins that are currently getting into and eating everything. they are champion eaters and still on their way to becoming champion sleepers. :)

34 weeks
in the midst of the storm & 2 weeks before the babies came.

Baby A {Sam}
he was the my big guy from the start. we call him {mini-gabe}. he looks so much like {Gabe} and has a very similar personality. and that boy is sweet as pie! his smile melts me. his giggle is the kind that restores broken hearts. for being a big bruiser much like his big brothers were he is gentle and loving. if you sit him down with toys, he'll stay there for the longest time. a little snuggler for sure. but who wouldn't want to cuddle and squeeze him?! i think fat babies make the world a better place.


Baby B {Matty}
he's my little guy. he is such a strong little guy, both physically and mentally. he is just tough. it's like he's sticking it to the doctor that tried to say he was gonna die. fat chance. this kid...he's a fighter. i love it. he is so much like his dad. we definitely named the right one {Matthew}. he will forever be keeping me on my toes. and i'm ok with that. in the end, he's a momma's boy. and he's the peanut butter to {Sam}'s jelly. i so need to buy these shirts!

tiny bundles of sweetness...

can't imagine life without them. shoot! i barely remember life before them :) but as they approach their 11 month birthday next week i can see a flicker of light glowing at the end of the tunnel. soon my baby days while be over and it'll be onto soccer practices and school programs. trying to savor these days with my babies while they still are, babies. :)

...to big, happy & healthy wild buddies.

i woulda been more prepared for camping adventures

phew! it's been a loooong 24 hours!

we're pushing hard to get some serious house projects/ fix-it stuff done this week. my dad has taken some vacation time to help him out since i'm not too much of help these days. my role, watch the kids. i know it allows him to get stuff done without little boys underfoot, but it kills me to just "sit and do nothing".  ah well.

yesterday afternoon {Matt} spent some time finishing painting the front porch. my dad got a couple of small things done/started when {Matt} says that we are suppose to have a storm coming. he looks at the sky, shrugs his shoulders & says "i don't see any clouds". and cleans up a little of his current mess before heading onto the next task. literally 5 minutes later i come outside and ask if he's seen the now looming, dark clouds. they are almost on top of us so we all scurry around trying to gather tools & things outside. then in one fell swoop this huge blast of wind comes rushing down the street and things start flying. i grew up in the "tornado alley" so big thunderstorms are a common place afternoon occurrence. yesterday was a new experience. i felt a little like dorothy while running around the backyard picking up toys. trash cans rolling, buckets flying, umbrellas being swept into the air. i was certain a twister was gonna form in my backyard. as i opened the back door to bring the things in, a huge gust of wind blew leaves & branches down the hall and my skirt up over my head. holy smokes! then, at that moment, the power went out...

i went into super mom mode knowing that the power was out for the long haul. my dad had brought some steaks with him so it was ready to just throw on the grill. easy enough. thankfully the sun came out and then didn't set for another couple of hours so we enjoyed a picnic dinner on the back deck. {Matt} went to borrow his parents generator so we could keep the fridge, that was FULL of fresh groceries, running. other than that, we were camping. i washed baby bottles & dishes by candle light & a flashlight. put the kids to bed with the use of a head lamp (thanks to my MIL).  and the big boys joined us in our bed to snuggle close to the battery operated fan. it was a hot one. seriously, if i had planned on going camping with my family at a campground, i would have been better prepared. don't get me wrong, i actually love camping...just not in my house. the whole camping mentality yet still being in my house was killing me. i kept trying to turn things on and then was laughingly reminded why things weren't working. ha!


it took a full 24 hours before the power company got the lines fixed. it's been a long day. i know cause my feet hurt. :) but i also was constantly reminded of the families in joplin, mo that not only lost power, but water, houses, belongings, and loved ones. i realize the grace that was shown upon me and i can only catch a small glimpse of what they have experienced. so i end this day humbled & exhausted.

a branch that broke off our tree & hit my dad's car.
it flew...we hadn't moved it yet.

the culprit. the giant tree that lay across
 the street and power lines.

the adventure continues...with twins!

Matthew Campbell & Samuel Aaron

the story of the twins arrival...in bullet points because there were just too many details!

• we were told at 20 weeks that we're expecting not 1 boy...but 2 spontaneous twin boys! (as best they could tell they were spontaneous/identical)
• at 28 weeks we were told that there was a 29% difference in size between the boys
• finally at 32 weeks went to the maternal-fetal medicine to have have in-depth ultrasound on the boys
• that day...june 24 (the day before my 5 yr anniversary & 2 days after {Matt} left for nepal) i was told that baby B was in the 5th percentile and the chances of him "passing away" were significantly high & they 'may' have heart problems. they sent me to get a steroid shot in case they needed to come early...
• i promptly got in touch with {Matt} who was in the mountains in nepal (as promptly as one can) and told him i needed him to go through this with me....he left that night. rode down the mountain on the back of a motorcycle at 4am.
• met with a pediatric cardiologist. he wasn't worried with what he saw. which just made me confused, not assured.
• over the next month i was put on bed rest (ha! that was a joke!), went back to the doctor weekly for more ultrasounds, blood flow and growth checks.
• finally at 35 weeks they decided that there wasn't enough room for baby B to grow and that the following week they would take the babies by c-section. i'm pretty sure i busted out in singing the "Hallelujah Chorus".
• july 21, 2010...we arrived at the hospital at 7am ready to have some babies!
• after 3 emergency c-sections, plus another ones that were already scheduled to happen before mine...4:52pm babyA {Sam} @ 6lbs 7oz and 4:53pm babyB {Matty} @ 4lbs 14oz... were finally release from the confines of my belly.
• i tried to savor every last second of my being pregnant, but being strapped up with multiple monitors laying on a gurney (not even a real bed!) i was ready to go home and stay pregnant one more day! emotional wreck for sure.
• then once the babies were out they were wisked away to the NICU at CHKD. they only brought 1 bassinet (for babyB) but got charts or something mixed up and they both went.
• recovery from a c-section was a beast compared to my other births. i felt all itchy as the spinal wore off. so they gave me benadryl...straight into the IV. whoops! i was a hot mess.
• matt went with the babies. i tried to rest, but my adrenaline was getting the best of me and i just couldn't fully rest. i had several conversations with people with my eyes closed because i literally couldn't keep them open. i blame the benadryl.
• first scans of the boys looked good but they wanted to watch them over the next few days. so if i wanted to see them i had to be wheeled down a maze of corridors to CHKD to see them.
• they were in separate rooms so the scrubbing of hands and dressing of gowns was repeated many times. thankfully they were only in the NICU a couple of days.
• on july 23 {Sam} was released from the NICU and spent the next 2 days just down the hall (that i could walk to) in the level III nursery. i got to hold him and was able to start trying to breastfeed.
• on july 24 {Matty} was released from the NICU and sent to the level III nursery as well. they were both cleared of any heart or other medical problems!!
• thankful doesn't even begin to express my feelings...
• i was released the morning of july 25. and then we hung out in the hospital all day waiting for {Sam} to be released. he wasn't until 9pm!!
• we were in the middle of a heat wave so at 9m it was nearly 99 degrees!! i was thankful for the time in the AC that i didn't have to pay for :)
• we were told that {Matty} would be released the next day as long as he passed his car seat test. he had to sit in the car seat for an hour without having any heart arrhythmia's. he did that in the morning....and again, wasn't released until 9pm on july 26. the night nurse had never done a medical release. that week she did 2. and bonus for us, she just kept giving us formula and diapers galore!

we did it! we were home as a family of 6! it was the longest lesson on waiting & patience ever!

adventures of "you know there's 2 right?!"

ok so here it is folks, my reactions to our life changing news last week...

it's been almost a week now and i'd say the reality of the situation has settled in as best as it possibly can, for now. i have 2 babies in my belly. which to say the least explains A LOT! it came as a total shocker even though my belly is huge already. we had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and there was no mention of there being 2 babies. i've also had a few doctor's appointments since then and again, no mention of 2 heartbeats. i guess God had some things for me to deal with and work through first. :)

and not only were we doubly blessed, but they are both boys! LOL! my Cook cousins i'm sure are laughing. to clue everyone else in, all my cousins on my dad's side have only had boys-i think it's like 16 great-grandsons! i always knew that i'd be a mom of 4 boys. call it intuition or self-fulfilling prophecy, either way, i'm there. and to answer a big question, yes, fraternal twins do run in my mom's family, BUT, i'm having identical twins and that could happen to anyone. :) and since twins run in my mom's family i always 'joked' that i'd be the one to have the twins...and again, here i am. i just kinda chuckle when i think about those statements of years ago. i guess the Lord knew then i would need a long time of mental preparation since i wouldn't actually find out i was having twins til half way thru the pregnancy!

i took last friday to just 'enjoy' the news and not let myself get all worked up into the details. it was a bizarre day and nothing much got accomplished besides phone calls, texts and facebook updating. it wore this little introvert out! but i'm glad i took that day. i was able to think so much more clearly the next day. because throughout the day, and continuing still, the Lord reveals himself and his ways to me. He has showed me so many things, from the grand to the small, that He had already begun doing to prepare me for this time. my original thought was "how in the world do you accidentally get pregnant with twins?!" the short answer is: you don't! God had these boys planned for such a time as now and has prepared me, like i've said before, throughout my lifetime. i could look back and say 'maybe' He did this or that, but i know without a doubt that they were all done and orchestrated for me for this time. these boys have a destiny that can't be denied! for instance, just yesterday i was so thankful that i played soccer for like 14 years and got the strong legs to prove it! or how i needed to wait until we found out what the baby was to figure out a name. or the sense of transition and the Lord asking me to 'grow up' a few months ago. or the need to be more proactive about play dates for ben & gabe. or even something simple like all the baby things we have that i made matt put in storage rather than selling. or maybe the fact that the doctor told me i need to gain at least 40 lbs and lo and behold that's exactly what i gained (and lost!) with both the other boys. or maybe it's the fact that my parents will be moving to the east coast this summer and my mom will be in between jobs rather than just taking vacation when she comes to help.

i mean really how can i be fearful when i can see all He has done for me and my family already. His perfect love has truly cast out all fear. i was asked if i'd cried yet...and the answer is no. i mean, i know i will have my moments, but right now, all i can feel is God's love and purpose. there is certainly no fear. we are surrounded with people who truly love and care for us. and will do anything for us. apparently i needed a lesson in humility and letting people help me. i'm not looking forward to the days of impending bed rest or taking it slow. i worry mostly for the big boys and my pregnancy. i know there will be help once the twins come, but it's the stress of the pregnancy and the likelihood of pre-term labor or complications. and just letting gabe stay a baby as long as he needs to. poor buddy won't know what hit him soon enough! and my big benny and all the energy he will need to run out. oh the life of little boys is definitely not full of sitting and playing inside, at least not ben's.

these little lives will be here before i know it. my goal is to make it to 36 weeks. my doctor said their window for delivery is between 34-37 weeks which puts their appearance 4-6 weeks ahead of the original due date of august 17. so july babies they will be. and even though it shortens the time frame, i'm procrastinator and do better when it's 'go time' rather than waiting, so again, i guess God knew best!

thank you for all of your love, encouragement, support & generosity already!

with love,

kristi...and my 5 guys