i had taken all of these desires of my heart and pushed them onto my sweet & unknowing husband as his responsibility to meet. i was expecting him to fill the gaps. i was expecting him to be my hero that swoops in and gives me every deepest desire. and while he is very heroic on most days and comes swooping in at 5pm, i needed something so much deeper and greater than he could give. it was unfair and i was being selfish.
and after a great talk with a even greater friend on sunday, i was shown my absolute ridiculousness. thank you friend! and then i realized what an
ugly sight i had become. all because i'd lost sight of the true source where i can find ALL of these things i was desperate for. and when i really stopped to think about it, it's been embarrassingly too long since i've sat and had a quiet time...let alone with Bible in hand. duh!
so i wrote my sweetheart a love letter haven't done that since college to apologize. to let him know i finally got a clue. and to apologize for the things i messed up in the mean time. when you're desperate and grasping, you tend to lose your brain cells and become irresponsible.
apologies are so healing, even if you have to break your legs so you can get on your knees to apologize. my heart was already taking a turn in the right direction. and then through a weird course of events, came across isaiah 58...specifically verse 11.
I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places-firm muscles strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
what beautiful picture it paints! the section title is "a full life in the emptiest of places" and boy is that me. what i was wanting...needing...and so totally empty. mentally. emotionally. physically. spiritually. and it took me until i got to the last word in that list spiritually until i finally got it.
when my spirit isn't being fed, i can't be the wife or momma i desire to be. i gave up long ago on the quest for perfection. but i'd rather not be embarrassed of the state of the house or hoarse from yelling because i lost my temper a few too many times. i need God's grace but i was starving myself of it.
so while nighttime sleeping here is still a state of constant unknown. i will be trying to dig myself outta bed a little extra early every morning. maybe just add another cup of coffee to the morning routine. and bury myself in the Word. cause nothing else has satisfied. and trust me, i've tried. even without knowing.
so i pray that you too can carve out some time now that regularly scheduled school year activities have arrived. it doesn't require the ringing in of a new year to start off on a new routine. go for it if you too are needing to feel like 'a gurgling spring that never runs dry'.
need some more motivation or encouragement. check out some of the other blogs linked up...